• Constantly out of touch. Lucky is to see me online when you need me.
• Constantly at work. I just can't leave it. I need to save my sorry ass.
• Constantly switching off my handphone. People don't sms me that much anymore. I take nearly a day to reply.
• Constantly tired. Anyone with ways to power me up? I need to get high.

When you need a friend, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm not there. It'll be 'Sorry you can't reach me just now, I was busy (at work), now how are you feeling?' Then 'Oh it's fine, the feeling passed.' After some time, it sucks. It just does. It's like milk curing. That sour sour taste. Utter damnation. A piece of tissue paper would've been a better friend than me. It's cheap and can be bought in plentiful amounts. Enough to last a lifetime. Something I'd never be, at the rate I'm going. I'll probably be digressing alot more later.

Then, I'll slowly fall out of the loop. I sometimes wonder if the stuff I gave up for my own time is worth it. Surely, surely everything has its cons. It was naive of me to think that people will wait for me. In this day and age, 'waiting' is something like a luxury. A luxury that I didn't have and didn't deserve. It amuses me how I felt time was never enough in secondary school. Now, I feel that even running on 48 hours a day may not be enough.

In short. I wasn't there when I was needed. I wasn't here, there, or anywhere at all. I thought this feeling might fade away in time. Might fade away when I started school earlier this year. Might fade away when I slowly get used to it. But it isn't. It's doing anything but.

It's even growing. Getting larger. Even when it'll be overcoming me I think at most, I'd just ignore. I'm good at that. Look how far it has gotten me. One day it'll all grow too big for me to ignore, too big for me to handle and control. It would implode, and I might just die with it. But as long as that one day isn't today, I'll live. I'll get by through the day. In a way like this, I can be self-sufficent. Hardy.

There's always people working harder than me to go through a day. There's always people with larger problems than mine. The decisions they make will make or break their lives. I'm fortunate, and I know it. That I can comfort myself that I am no modern day emo kid. That I am no fool, ranting on how a minor setback would kill.

Sometimes I wonder. Are the sacrifices I made really worth it? I've seen terrible, terrible things. An argument can break everything, everything that took years and years to build. Something that encompasses almost my entire lifetime. It all broke in a second with a sentence.

With trust comes love, and love comes trust. How can love survive alone, if the trust died away? Fuck humans with complicated thinking. Everybody out there is just plain thinking that everyone else is out there to do them in.

I guess I digressed a whole lot today. My brain is just mixing and serving up large globs of delicious thoughts.